Incident Report
by MoonClaimed
Summary: Whoever decided it was a good idea to leave Naruto alone with three twelve year olds for a YEAR should be stabbed. Repeatedly.
1. Incident 1

**A/N:** This is my very first Naruto fanfic! I'm pretty excited about it considering how long I've been writing fanfiction and how long I've been reading Naruto. So welcome to my wacky world view, Naruto-lovers! I have a couple other stories for this fandom that I've been working on for longer, but this one came to me and demanded to be written. I seriously think this is the fastest I've ever written a story over 3000 words before. Go me!

Anyway, I really hope you enjoy it. =D

**Summary:** Whoever decided it was a good idea to leave Naruto alone with three twelve year olds for a YEAR should be stabbed. Repeatedly

* * *

**Incident Report**

By MoonClaimed

* * *

It all started because Naruto had penpals.

But for convenience' sake, let's start a little earlier.

Naruto was the last living apprentice of Jiraiya of the Sannin, Konoha's most important spy master, and was therefore tacitly expected to take over for his mentor. But after the war, when Tsunade finally got around to asking what had become of the old pervert's spy network, Naruto's answer had been a blank stare.

At further—and rather panicked—prompting, Naruto revealed that Jiraiya had_ not_ passed the network on to him. During their travels, while Jiraiya was off meeting with his contacts, he had left Naruto to wander the streets on his own. With some embarrassment, Naruto admitted he didn't know who any of Jiraiya's contacts were, and didn't have a single one of his own.

No. Naruto had _penpals_, village intelligence was horrified to learn. All he had were some friends he had made in his travels who he tried to keep in contact with. People he had helped on his journey, people who had helped him. _Hundreds_ of them in fact. Across the globe and in all walks of life: from a fisherman in a little, out of the way peasant village in Tea Country to merchants in Stone; scullery maids in noble houses to daimyos' daughters.

It took a shamefully long time—almost three months—for anyone to realize what this meant.

When it finally occurred to Shikamaru that what any _normal,_ well-functioning, _sane_ shinobi would call a 'contact', Naruto might very well call a 'penpal', he stopped where he was, turned on his heel, marched to the nearest wall, and began his earnest attempt to bash his head against it until he lost consciousness.

The only reason he failed was because two chunin and a very confused clerical-nin were eventually able to pry him away.

Once it was understood that Konoha's spy networks were as widespread as ever, though going by a decidedly friendlier name, the mass panic that had existed throughout the upper ranks began to calm.

But not completely.

After all, Naruto hadn't been in personal contacted with many of these so called 'penpals' for years. He hadn't made physical contact, hadn't done anything to maintain their loyalty long-term. So it was decided that he would go on another trip—as Jiraiya often had in the past—to check in.

There was only one, _small_ problem with this.

Naruto, newly promoted and village hero that he was, had just taken on his first genin team the previous week.

But then again, long-term training trips had never hurt anything... right?

* * *

"When is that boy going to report in?" Homura Mitokado demanded impatiently. "His team was spotted approaching the gates almost an hour ago."

"Now, now, Mitokado-san, I'm sure he's just escorting his genin to their homes before coming," Kakashi soothed, glancing up from his book. "After all, the gate guards would have told him to report directly to the Hokage's office."

Tsunade grunted in affirmation. She was as excited as the next person that the brat was back—especially because retirement was starting to look better and better and Naruto kind of had to _be_ in Konoha for her to do that—but Koharu and Homura were going to be hanging around until this was over and they refused to let her drink in her office. The sooner this report was over, the sooner she could get properly sloshed in celebration.

There was a sudden scuffling from out in the hall. The four shinobi in the office turned to face the door just as Iruka pushed through the entrance, red-faced with exertion and smiling gleefully. "Hokage-sama! I just heard, Naruto was seen entering the village! I can't believe he's finally back after a whole year. And his genin are..." He trailed off as he finally realized that not only were Tsunade and Kakashi in the office—both people he knew would be as excited as him to see the blond again—but so were the two elderly village councilors. His smile slowly faded, replaced with a vivid blush. "...N-nevermind, I'll just come back later," he said as he edged backwards out of the room.

"Get in here, Iruka," Tsunade sighed, leaning back in her chair. "Naruto's about to come in, and we all know you're going to hear everything he tells us over ramen if you don't now."

Iruka stammered a little, flustered, but quickly subsided and took a place by Kakashi's side. He did want to see Naruto after all.

"I can't believe it's been a year already," Tsunade sighed as she leaned back in her chair. "I want to see what the brat has done with those genin of his."

"I'm sure he's done a fine job," Iruka cut in before he could stop himself. He knew it wasn't exactly his place—especially with the more traditional councilors in attendance—but he had full faith in the young blond.

"Aa," Kakashi agreed. "Naruto is sure to have taught the children well and to have had a successful trip." He eye-smiled. "After all, there have been no reports of mass destruction or war being declared on Konoha."

"Kakashi-sensei's mean!" Came the protest from the window.

As one, the shinobi turned.

"Hey," Naruto waved with a wide grin. There was a wave of reflexive smiles in return. Even Homura and Koharu were glad to have the vibrant young man home. And the year seemed to have treated him well. Naruto had grown nearly two inches, his bangs hung long into his laughing eyes, and his skin was tanned and rosy as ever.

"Welcome home, brat," Tsunade said with a fond smile. "Glad to see you haven't blown anything up."

Naruto laughed and scratched the back of his head, "Ha ha, about that..."

Tsunade's smile froze.

Kakashi lifted his hands in a calming gesture. "Maa, maa, I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

"Yeah!" Naruto jumped to agree. "Nothing _actually_ blew up. Well, nothing important," he amended. The other's let out sighs of relief. These things were expected to happen during even lightest of shinobi training. So as long as it was nothing the village would have to pay for, no one really cared.

"So what did you mean?" Koharu asked warily.

"Um, well... You know how me and Kurama are friends now?" Naruto said a little nervously, glancing at the councilors out of the corners of his eyes.

"Yeah, I know," Tsunade said with a roll of her eyes. Seriously, this kid would call a _tree_ his friend if it stood still and listened to him talk. ...Which was probably why he liked gardening so much, come to think of it.

"So I let him out of the seal!"

There was a single, perfect moment when every adult in the room—men and women who had known Naruto in one manner or another since he was a tiny child—believed he was joking. It didn't last long.

"How, _how_ could you do something so monumentally stupid? So uncompromisingly dangerous, and reckless, and...and _treasonous_, you stupid child?"

The blond scowled. "I knew what I was doing. And it's not like I just_ let him out_. There was kind of a situation, okay?"

"Kind of a situation," Tsunade muttered to herself in horror. Releasing the seal—Naruto could have died from that alone and she'd heard _nothing_, the brat.

"Yep," Naruto agreed, finding himself a seat at the edge of the Hokage's desk. "But don't worry, I handled it."

"Handled it by releasing an evil, four-hundred foot tall, fox demon!" Koharu raged.

"Not exactly," an amused voice purred from the floor near the window.

This time when the occupants of the room whipped around, it was a red furred, chakra infused, nightmare-inducing demon who greeted them.

He was also two and a half feet tall.

With a canine laugh, the fox trotted to sit at Naruto's feet—all nine of his tails waving happily behind him.

"Oh!" Naruto exclaimed into the horrified stillness of the room, "This is the first time I've gotten to introduce you because he was always trapped in my stomach." He reached out and clapped the fox on his shoulder, "This is Kurama."

"Do not introduce us to that filthy beast." Homura snarled. "At least you retained some small margin of sense and did not release it entirely, but even this is a reprehensible dereliction of your duty—"

The fox snarled, hackles raised and lips pulled back to expose vicious fangs. "Say that again," he hissed, growing rapidly in size even as his chakra gathered around him, killing intent so thick that—

"—Bad!" Naruto reprimanded sharply, the squirt bottle he had summoned to his hand still held aloft after spraying a burst cold water in the biju's face.

Kurama yelped, then whined, rapidly shrinking even as his chakra dissipated. "Why the hell did you—"

"Bad!" The blond sprayed again.

"Don't_ do_ that," the mighty beast whimpered, hiding his muzzle between his paws.

"Then don't make me, Kurama," Naruto said sternly even as he returned the bottle to the storage seal on his wrist from which it had come. He held his stern expression for another few seconds before crumpling and scratching the still oversized fox between the ears. "Just don't do it again."

"Yeah, whatever, _that's_ the spot..." the fox muttered happily, snuggling down to rest his head against Naruto's knee.

The gathered shinobi could only stare blankly.

Homura shook his head. "You...you treat the kyubi...like a pet?"

"Hey!" Naruto glared at the man. "I do not. This is just how I train people! And Kurama's got to learn when his behavior isn't acceptable."

"Yes. Like you would train a pet," Koharu suggested helpfully.

"No way," the blond dismissed, nose wrinkled in distaste. "I train my genin team the exact same way."

There was a single moment of frozen horror as that statement sunk in.

"Naruto," Kakashi said as delicately as he could manage, "What, _exactly_, do you mean by that?"

"That's right!" Naruto said, perking up, "I haven't shown any of you my team since we got back! They're doing so well, you're all going to be so proud of them. And me! I taught them a whole lot."

"Y-yes, I'm sure we will be." Tsunade gave a wooden smile and whispered out of the corner of her mouth to the nearest person (who happened to be Iruka), "Hold my hand."

The man gave her the look a startled rabbit gives a salivating wolf. "Wha—?"

"I said hold it!"

No fool, Iruka held her hand.

Naruto graced them with a giddy grin before turning and leaning toward the open window. "Duckies!" he hollered for the whole village to hear.

There was an awkward silence.

When the seconds continued to tick by with only Naruto's cheerful humming to break the silence, and no genin miraculously appeared, the group began to shift uncomfortably.

After an entirely silent conversation, communicated only in sharp gestures and a quick jab to the ribs, Kakashi stepped out of the huddle. "So," he began, looking off-kilter even under his mask, "um..." He glanced back to the others for help, but Iruka just made a shooing motion at him. "So!" he started again, turning back to Naruto. "...Why do you call them duckies?"

"Oh!" Naruto bounced slightly where he sat, grin widening into a full on beam. "It's because they always follow each other around in a line! And sometimes—don't tell them I told you or they'll get mad—they follow me around like that too. It's so cute!"

"Don't tell them that," an annoyed voice demanded sulkily from the other side of the room.

As one, the assembled shinobi whipped around to face the voice that had somehow managed to take a position at their backs.

"Duckies!" Naruto greeted with a broad grin. He turned his attention back to the older group of shinobi and introduced, "Everybody, these are my duckies. Duckies, this is everybody."

"Don't call us that," the tallest genin, a boy with spiky brown hair and a thin scar that just missed his green eyes, complained.

The girl—the one who had spoken before—buried her face in her hand so that her short lavender bangs fell forward. "If you have to keep calling us that at least don't _introduce_ us that way, Naruto-sensei!"

"The Hokage knows me as 'Ducky' now," the shortest member of the team muttered to himself in horror. "I now have no future as a shinobi."

The young blond teacher rolled his eyes. "Come on, guys, it's not that bad."

"Says you," came the discontented mutter from one of the children. Naruto ignored it.

"Anyway," the proud jounin-sensei continued, "If they're so unhappy with 'duckies'—which I meant with_ love,_ by the way—then these are Kosada," the short boy waved shyly, "Takashi," the taller boy gave a two finger salute, "and Megumi," the girl smiled in the what-can-you-do? way that all those closely acquainted with Naruto picked up eventually.

Iruka studied the children with interest. They hadn't been in any of his classes at the academy so he really didn't know too much about them besides the most general information. Takashi was from a civilian family, Kosada and Megumi from very minor clans. All three had been known to be middle of the road students with high potential, but... "They have impressive stealth." More than impressive really, for genin to sneak up on the caliber of shinobi gathered in the office.

"Yes," Kakashi agreed, once more behind his book. "How did you manage to drill that into them so young?"

"That one was easy," the blond said, standing and propping a hand on his hip. "So I realized something recently... I used to wear bright orange."

Awkward silence number two ensued, with only the sound of Tsunade facepalming to interrupt.

"Hehehe," Naruto laughed awkwardly, before clearing his throat. "I _mean_, I used to wear bright orange...and regularly escape from ANBU as a kid."

"That is impressive," Iruka began, "But I don't see how—"

"I made them all wear orange jumpsuits until I was satisfied with their skills!" Naruto proclaimed proudly.

There was a collective shudder from the genin. "Do you _know_ how badly orange clashes with lavender hair?" Megumi demanded with haunted eyes. "_Do you?_"

"It was awful," Takashi agreed. Megumi elbowed him.

Iruka hummed contemplatively. "An unusual approach, but apparently effective. Maybe we can implement it in the general student body—"

"No," Tsunade cut off.

Iruka started, "But the results—"

"No." Tsunade slanted the man a look that had him shutting his mouth and instinctively sliding behind Kakashi for protection.

"I knew you were my favorite Hokage for a reason," Megumi said reverently.

The male councilor shook his head, "That's all very well, but you are missing the point! To have our ninja so degraded—"

"I'm not degrading them," Naruto protested, looking truly upset. "I only do it because it works! Besides, they don't mind." He turned to look at the kids, hefting the quickly-retrieved squirt bottle into the air as a visual aide. "Do you?"

But at the quick motion of the spray bottle, the three took an instinctive step backwards. Kosada whimpered a little.

Naruto blinked, then looked from the bottle in his hand to the three genin. Running his free hand through his hair, he asked, "Would you really rather be punished with something else? Like...a time out would work, right?"

"Squirt bottle!" Takashi blurted immediately before scurrying to his teacher's side.

"Squirt bottle!" Megumi agreed quickly before joining the boy.

"..." Kosada hesitated, eying the hated spray bottle fearfully.

Naruto crossed his arms, considering. "If you'd really rather, Kosada, I could—"

"Squirt bottle!" The boy squeaked before hurrying to hide behind his taller teammates.

"Well, there you have it." Naruto said, satisfied, as he turned back to the group. "They're all happy with it, _and_ it works."

"The _point_ is, you shouldn't be punishing them at all for minor infractions," Tsunade grated out.

"Why?" Naruto asked with real surprise. "Children need boundaries, right? That's what Iruka-sensei always used to say, and he's the best teacher ever!"

Tsunade turned a vitriol glare on the school teacher.

Iruka glanced around at his superiors—all giving him dirty looks—and sighed. "And I'm out of _that_ job," he muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" The blond asked innocently.

"Nothing," the the man sighed.

"Okay," Naruto said slowly, before continuing. "Besides, it's not like I always punish them. I reward them when they're good, and a lot of the time I don't even need to because I find ways to motivate them!"

Out of morbid curiosity more than anything else, Kakashi asked, "And how exactly did you do that?"

Here Naruto paused. "I...uh...found ways..."

* * *

**~Flashback~**

"But Naruto-sensei," Kosada whined as he sat at the bottom of a great tree, "_You_ don't have great chakra control, and you're a really strong shinobi."

"Yeah, why do we have to do something this tedious when we won't even need it?" Takashi demanded.

"I have enough control to tree climb," the teacher pointed out to his slacking students.

The three, each at the base of their own tree, glared up at him sullenly.

"Or..." Naruto scratched the back of his head in thought, "Well, I guess in general I get past having lousy control by having _huge_ reserves. And I have that because I'm a jinchuriki." Here he paused contemplatively. "I've never really known of anyone who wanted to become one before, but...I_ do_ know the seal, and I'm sure we could find a few minor demons around here _somewhere_," he said while absently reaching for his best sealing brush.

There was a beat of silence—and then the kids ran for their trees.

**~End Flashback~**

* * *

Kakashi opened his mouth to ask, but Tsunade cut him off. "Don't, Kakashi. I don't think I could take it just now."

The jounin shrugged and let it drop. It was probably for the best.

Kosada frowned, glancing from his sensei to the adults in the room. "Why are you insulting Naruto-sensei like that?" he demanded. "He's a great teacher. He looks out for us, he trained us really well, and we're way stronger than I thought we would be this soon after graduating!"

Naruto blinked, then turned to grin widely at the boy. "My students are so awesome," he gushed, reaching out and pat the boy on the head. "Thanks for defending me, ducky." And with a little slight of hand, he pulled his hand away and pulled a chocolate out from behind the genin's ear.

"Yes!" Kosada cheered, grabbing the treat, popping it in his mouth and settling back to bask in his teammates' jealous glares.

"Where did I go wrong?" Iruka said faintly as he watched the scene with morbid fascination.

"...Maybe it was the whole 'treating him to ramen when he did well' thing?" Kakashi guessed.

"All right, that is _it!"_ Tsunade announced suddenly, determination glinting in her eyes. "Let's just not tell anyone about this. If none of this craziness goes further than this room then we won't have any problems."

She spun on the blond teenager, pointing a finger under his chin. "Naruto," she jabbed him in the sternum, "Stop petting your genin."

Naruto retracted his hand reluctantly with a wounded expression. The three genin glared. They_ liked_ when sensei pet them and gave them treats.

"And for goodness sakes," the Hokage snapped, "put the kyubi back in the..." Here she trailed off as she finally realized that the large, talking, demon-fox was no where in sight. "Naruto," she said slowly, "Where did the kyubi go?"

Naruto's face screwed up in confusion. "He went to go stretch his legs while we were waiting for the duckies. You didn't notice?"

Awkward silence number three.

Homura made an abortive step forward, "W-where did it g—"

"_Ahhhhhhhhhh!_" the bloodcurdling shriek went up from the village proper, soon joined by the cries of many others.

"Damn it, not again," Naruto muttered before jumping onto the windowsill, trusty squirt bottle already in hand. "Hang on for just a second, Baa-chan. I got this." And he was gone.

"...I need sake to deal with this."

Everyone blinked. Kakashi looked to the man at his side. "I didn't know you drank, Iruka."

The teacher pinched the bridge of his nose to try and stop the pounding in his head. "I do now."


	2. Incident 2

**A/N:** Hi everyone! Thank you all so incredibly much for all the feedback and attention this story has gotten. I _never_ imagined this would go over so well, and I can only hope future chapters live up to your expectations!

This chapter focuses more on the duckies than the last one. I hope everyone likes the way they're turning out! And tell me if you can tell where I got their last names. ;)

**Note:** The flashback isn't over until it says ~End Flashback~.

* * *

Naruto sighed as he finally collapsed into his favorite stool in front of Ichiraku's. He had had a long day. First he had to make the long trek with the duckies into the village, then he had that meeting in Tsunade-baa-chan's office, and _then_ Naruto had been forced to chase Kurama down and make him spit out the civilian man he had been (_gently)_ gnawing on. Naruto was almost sure the fox was telling the truth and the man deserved it—Kurama was usually good like that. Still, Kurama was a lot stronger than the man and once the guy had wet himself it was really just overkill, so the fox had still earned himself a squirt to the face.

Kurama was currently grumbling from the seat next to him, body shrunken down to barely the size of a puppy and curled into a discontented ball of fluff. He stared up at Naruto out of one irritated eye. "Must you always eat ramen? I want Inarizushi!"

"But Ichiraku's is the best food on earth!" the blond protested, without turning away from his eager study of Teuchi's back as his first serving was prepared.

"At least get udon," the fox growled, all nine tails flicking with ire.

Naruto made a disgusted face. Truthfully, udon wasn't too bad. But it was so close to ramen and yet _not_ that it was more of a tease than a meal.

Teuchi, the kind and wise man that he was, looked back over his shoulder at the red ball of fur, "How about I put in extra pork, just for you?"

The Kyubi considered that, then turned back to Naruto. "I understand why you wish for this one to live."

"That means thanks," Naruto translated absently, hands white-knuckled on the tabletop in anticipation. After a year with no quality ramen he couldn't focus on anything else! …Even if he had already spent over an hour here earlier in the day when he was supposed to be going to that meeting with Tsunade, Kakashi, and the elders.

Eh. Totally worth it.

For his part, Teuchi just shrugged and got back to cooking. Most chefs would be upset at having a murderous bijuu sitting at their stand, but Teuchi was different. He knew that anyone that was exposed to Naruto long enough was doomed to his way of thinking. And the fox had been the boy's constant companion for eighteen years—the Kyubi hadn't had any choice but to be reformed.

It was also a comfort to know that Naruto was willing to fight to the death to protect his favorite source of ramen. And he bet the fox knew it too.

"Order up," the older man called cheerfully before placing two steaming bowls of miso ramen (extra pork for both, on the house) in front of his favorite costumer and the blond's… friend.

Naruto grinned, grabbing his chopsticks and clapping his hands together with a brief, "Itadakimasu!" before digging in.

But he paused with his chopsticks hovering over his bowl. He had been too frenzied on his first stop at the ramen stand to think of it, but sitting here now… It reminded him of when he had first met his duckies…

* * *

**~ Flashback ~**

* * *

Today was a very important day in the lives of his young students. As such, Iruka tried to keep his speech as original and individually directed to his students' personalities as he could each year. "Beginning today, you are all real ninja! But you're at the bottom of the barrel, merely rookie genin. I will now assign your three-man teams, and after lunch your jounin-sensei will come to collect you—"

That was as far as he got before there was a poof of smoke and he was tackled from the side. It was only years-long experience that allowed the man to keep his feet under the unexpected assault.

"Naruto!" he protested, smacking the teenager on the back of the head. "What do you think you're doing?"

The blond popped back up with a wide grin splitting his face. "I'm here to get my genin team." He laughed delightedly, "Can you believe I'm going to be a sensei?"

"Not really, no," Iruka muttered to himself grumpily before sighing and giving a small smile. "I'm sure you'll do a fine job, but I haven't even started giving out the team assignments yet."

"Wait a minute!" a young voice yelled from the sea of students. Naruto and Iruka turned to face the prospective genin and then flinched in surprise at the manic grins on many of the young faces.

"Are you telling me that _Uzumaki Naruto _is taking a genin team this rotation?" the same child, a tall boy with brown hair and bright green eyes, demanded.

"Uh," Naruto scratched the back of his head, suddenly nervous. "Yeah, I am."

The room exploded with noise.

"Awesome!"

"Hell yeah!"

"I'm totally gonna be on his team!"

"Quiet!" Iruka snapped, vein pulsing in his temple. The noise continued. Iruka blinked in surprise. That was the first time in memory that Iruka's sensei of death no jutsu failed to have its intended effect.

"Hehe," Naruto laughed by his side. It made him kind of uncomfortable when the older citizens of Konoha made a big deal over him, but he was more than happy to be the kids' hero.

Looking back and forth between the blond's rakish grin and the children's loud chatter, Iruka sighed. There wouldn't be a moment of peace until Naruto left, and he was far too hardheaded to be convinced to leave without his team in tow.

"Listen up!" Iruka called to little effect. He cleared his throat, lifted his clipboard, and read aloud, "Team 7."

Dead silence.

The teacher rolled his eyes heavenward before continuing on, "Consists of Kamiya Takeshi, Sagara Megumi, and Himura Kosada. Come to the front and join your new sensei."

The silence held for a half second more before erupting into shouts, cries of outrage, and three delighted squeals. The named graduates darted from their seats to line up in front of Naruto. Kosada, the slowest and most nervous of the bunch, got there a moment late and wasn't able to stop on a dime, knocking into Takeshi who almost sent Megumi sprawling.

"Hi!" Naruto greeted with a manic grin as the children picked themselves back up and brushed themselves off. Without giving them the chance to respond, the blond yelled, "meet me on the roof!" gave a thumbs up, and disappeared in another poof of smoke.

Iruka sighed. "Don't mind him. He's been going a little nuts with the poofing since he learned the shunshin last week." He waved them towards the door. "Get going, kids. And good luck."

* * *

By the time the kids had made it up to the roof, Naruto had already been sitting there for some minutes. Unfortunately, it was enough time for nervousness to kick in. Truthfully, Naruto had known he wasn't supposed to enter Iruka's class yet, but he had thought he could rush right passed his nerves. And it had worked at first, but they were starting to catch back up with him.

What if he couldn't do this? Those kids had been so excited, what if he let them down? Fighting was completely different than having little people depend on him like this.

"We're here!" the tall boy declared as the three pre-genin burst through the door and onto the roof.

Ah, what the hell? He'd do his best and he could always ask Sakura, Kakashi, Iruka, or Baa-chan for advice as he went. It's not like he'd be totally isolated without any support while he trained the kids.

Grin stealing over his face as he watched the kids squirm excitedly in front of him, Naruto decided he wouldn't be remise to copy his own sensei. "Pop a squat, kids! And then introduce yourselves."

Kosada plopped down where he was, face eager if slightly intimidated. "My name's Kosada."

"I'm Megumi," the girl called brightly, crouching down on her haunches.

"Takeshi." The tallest kid sat himself down.

"Ah…" Naruto scratched the back of his head. Maybe Sakura had been right to ask for clarification. "I wanted a little more than that. Like… Here, let me go first." He leaned towards them excitedly. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto! My hobbies are pulling pranks, gardening, and eating ramen! I like ramen and training. I dislike the three minutes it takes for instant ramen to cook and…." Naruto cocked his head in thought. "War? Yeah, I don't' like that much. I'm going to be the rokudaime Hokage—unless baa-chan finds out who really hid her sake—and my dream is to protect Konoha and all my precious people. "

A shiver of what could only be described as hero worship went up each child's spine. Their sensei was so cool!

"Let me go first!" Megumi said, nearly bouncing in excitement. "My name is Sagara Megumi. My hobby is studying poisons. I like books and practicing throwing senbon, and I dislike when my brother goes away on long missions. My dream is to become a great kunoichi and make it into ANBU!"

"Good for you, purple-girl," Naruto said before pointing at the short kid.

Kosada stared at Naruto's finger like one of the Nara deer did a speeding fireball. Takeshi sighed and whapped him on the back of the head. The boy jumped and started, "A-ah, right. My name is Himura Kosada. My hobbies are training and cooking. And—"

"You cook?" Naruto interrupted in surprise.

The boy blushed, ears turning pink, and ducked his head. "Y-yeah. My mom and sisters are all jounin and they're really busy, so I—"

"Hey, it's not a bad thing!" The blond assured. "It's awesome! Now when we go on assignments we won't have to eat what I make!" He stuck out his tongue, "All I can cook is instant ramen, and Tsunade-baa-chan made an official proclamation that I couldn't eat it on missions after I—nevermind."

"O-oh," the boy stuttered, confused but trying not to show it. "I like curry and going on walks, and I don't like when my sisters tease me. My dream is to make my family proud of me."

Naruto nodded at the boy in acknowledgement before looking over at the only kid left.

The green eyed boy took that as his cue. "I'm Kamiya Takeshi. I like people who are straight forward, and I dislike mind games. Um," he blinked, "does picking fights with tough looking opponents count as a hobby?"

"You're a shinobi now," Naruto said seriously. "Of course it does."

"Awesome," Takeshi grinned. "My dream is to prove that civilian-born ninja can make it as heavy combat shinobi."

"Wow," Naruto said to himself. "I have a really cool team. I hope you guys pass!"

The three blinked and looked at each other. "Uh, Naruto-sensei?" Megumi said with a raised hand, "We already passed."

"No, you passed the academy test," he corrected before breaking out in an evil grin, "Now you have to pass _my_ test or you get sent straight back to the academy. And no one has ever passed before." He neglected to mention this was because he had never actually _given_ a genin test before. He figured it would spoil the mood. By the horrified looks on their faces, he had made the right call. "I'm supposed to give it to you guys tomorrow, but the day's still young, right?"

For some reason, the three pre-teens got a _very_ bad feeling.

* * *

"We're having the test here?" Megumi asked in disbelief.

"Why?" Naruto asked, blinking. "What's wrong with it?"

The kids' faces screwed up in confusion. Should they really have to explain this?

"It's a ramen stand, Sensei." Takeshi explained slowly.

"It is not!" the jounin snapped with sudden anger. "It's the best ramen stand on the face of the earth! Now apologize to Teuchi-san."

The hero worship was starting to ware a little thin.

"Uh…" Megumi looked around to see if it was a joke, but when she couldn't find any hidden cameras she muttered, "Sorry, sir."

Kosada bowed at her side. "Sorry!"

Takeshi shrugged and muttered his own apology.

For his part, the ramen stand owner just laughed and went back to cooking. If those poor kids passed they were in for a hell of a time.

"Now sit down so we can get started," Naruto said as he claimed his own seat on one of the middle stools.

The pre-genin hesitated for only a few seconds before settling down on either side of their sensei.

"How is this going to work, Naruto-sensei?" Kosada asked, looking around the stand curiously. He couldn't see any hidden traps or anything, and the owner moved like a civilian not a shinobi undercover—or even one who had retired. So how could this make a test…?

"Right," The blond said, clapping his hands together once. "Because I'm a really nice guy, there're going to be two ways to pass this test."

Megumi scowled and crossed her arms in front of her chest. If there were two ways to pass and still no one had ever done it, that wasn't looking good.

"The first way," Naruto continued with one finger held up, "Is to beat me in a ramen eating contest."

There was a collective moment of disbelief from the genin.

"What?" Takeshi demanded. "How the hell does that have anything to do with being a shinobi?"

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Shinobi face all kinds of weird challenges that they have to overcome to accomplish their mission objectives._ And_, because it's totally a way for me to get as much ramen as I can eat for free." He grinned, "Did you know jounin sensei are reimbursed for any materials used directly in genin training? Best rule ever."

The hero worship? Yeah, that was gone.

"So the three of us have to eat more ramen then you do?"

"No," Naruto corrected, "each one of you _individually _have to eat more than I do. And I can finish twenty bowls without even trying, so you better work hard!"

Megumi turned slightly green at the very thought of trying to force that much food down. "What's the second way?" She asked uneasily.

"Glad you asked!" The teacher said with a grin before reaching into his pocket and fishing out a delicate pair of silver bells.

The kids stared for a minute. This was getting weirder and weirder.

"What are we supposed to do with those?" Takeshi asked, leaning forward and narrowing his eyes to peer at them.

"Steal 'em from me!" Naruto said.

"While we're having an eating contest?" the boy asked with confusion.

"Yup! I'm going to hang them right up here," the blond said, pointing to a wire that had been strung along the front of the ramen stand about a foot about head height so that it hung from two pulleys at either end. Naruto reached up and hung the bells on the wire so that one dangled off in either direction, like a pair of cherries. Then he yanked on the cord and it moved easily along the pulleys' track. "See, it works like this. The bells will be over my head when we start our contest. If you can get a bell, you pass. If you eat more ramen than me, you win. If your butt leaves the seat, you lose! If you damage the stand in any way, you _die_. "

"But then how am I supposed to kick your ass?" Takeshi demanded in outrage.

Naruto grinned cheekily. "You wouldn't be able to do that anyway."

"The real question," Kosada murmured worriedly, "is why are there only two bells?"

Naruto blinked and then glanced back at the pair of dangling bells. "Well, would you look at that? There are only two." He tapped his chin in thought, "Guess only two of you can pass that way. I hope one of you really likes ramen!"

"But you already said it was basically impossible for us to beat you that way," Megumi protested.

"It's okay," Naruto assured. "You all don't have to pass."

"Really?" Kosada asked hopefully. "You mean if only one of us passes than the rest of us—"

"Will be sent straight back to the academy, yes." The jounin said with a sage nod.

"What?" Megumi and Takeshi cried in outrage.

But Kosada stayed quiet, head bent and discouraged tears beading at the corners of his eyes, before whispering just loud enough to be heard, "So there's really no way to pass? You were tricking us into thinking we could be your team?"

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and scowled at them. "You're really gonna give up that easy? You guys obviously think you're pretty weak if you're not even going to try."

"Yeah right," Megumi yelled, shaking her fist. "I'll beat your stupid test and then you'll feel like an idiot!"

"Yeah!" Takeshi agreed. "We can do it. You're gonna have to eat your words."

There was silence for a long second before Kosada sniffled and wiped his eyes. "Yeah," he said quietly, "I'm not gonna give up." He lifted his face to show anger and determination burning in his eyes. "We're gonna beat your test. You'll see!"

Naruto tried to remain the cool and uncaring sensei he was supposed to be for this test. Really he did.

It kinda failed when he broke out in the biggest grin yet.

* * *

Nearly an hour later, and Megumi was ready to hurl. She had eaten six whole bowls of ramen—she thought her stomach was going to blow—and she was still fourteen bowls behind Naruto-sensei. Even Takeshi, who was by far in the lead of the genin, was nine bowls behind.

Fighting down nausea, she slurped up another noodle. Would throwing up disqualify her? He hadn't actually said it would…

And getting the bells seemed to be an even more lost cause than winning the eating contest. Anytime one of them so much as reached in the direction of the cord the bells were hanging off of, something (kunai, shuriken, a napkin dispenser) would come flying at them. And considering they weren't allowed to leave their seats, dodging became an issue. So basically they had already lost. Unless Naruto-sensei felt like being nice and choked on a pork bone, they were about to lose their chance at making it into the shinobi ranks.

Megumi bit the inside of her lip trying to bite back a sniffle. She couldn't even use her weapons because Naruto-sensei was sure to dodge and then she would damage the stand, which was one of the main disqualifying rules—and she just really didn't want to test the jounin on the 'death' rule. He seemed a little unstable when it came to ramen. Taijutsu wouldn't work either, not without them being allowed to get up from the stools. Not unless kicking him in the shins was going to do anything.

By her side, Takeshi seemed to have realized the same thing. With a groan, his head smacked into bar by his half empty bowl. "What the hell are we supposed to do?" he asked morosely.

"We have to try something," the girl snarled with stubborn determination. "Nii-san was so proud that I passed. I'm not letting him down now!"

"Yeah," the brown haired boy muttered, "but what are we going to do?"

There was a _thunk_ as Kosada let his ramen bowl drop from suddenly lacks fingers. Eyes wide, he turned to face his teammates passed Naruto's back. "I have an idea," he said slowly, barely believing his own words.

His teammates perked up and looked over at him, but they didn't really have much hope. This test was impossible.

"I have an idea!" The short boy said again, louder. "I have an idea!"

Naruto finally looked up over the rim of his twenty-second bowl of ramen to glance at the kid. "What's that, squirt?"

Kosada whipped around to face his sensei, leaning forward eagerly. "Naruto-sensei, what's your favorite type of ramen?"

Naruto blinked, and absently slurped a noodle. "Well…" he said slowly, figuring he might as well play along and more than willing to discuss his ramen preferences. "My favorite has always been miso with extra pork."

"Really?" Kosada asked with big, excited eyes. "That's awesome!" He turned to his teammates. "Isn't that awesome, guys?"

"Uh…" Megumi and Takeshi glanced at each other. The poor boy had cracked under the stress. "…Sure."

"Mister!" Kosada said, the same excitement in his voice as he called to Teuchi. "Can you make me a bowl of Naruto-sensei's favorite? I wanna try it!"

"Sure," the man said with a shrug and got back to cooking. He had been on standby through the test so far, replacing bowls of ramen as fast as the shinobi could eat them. It was a lot more work than he had on a normal day, but then again he was making more money than he usually saw in a week; he'd just add this to the tab.

Naruto frowned. Why hadn't he thought of asking for his favorite? Probably because he always got an extra large, and that meant he would eat less bowls. Planning the test, he had been sure he could out eat these kids but he never knew: one of them could've been half Akimichi or something. He had thought it was better not to risk it. But if the short kid was going for it anyway…

"Hey, Naruto-sensei," Kosada said, breaking Naruto from his thoughts and calling his attention back to his potential students. The boy was smiling manically, eyes gleaming with a crazed light. "Isn't ramen great?"

"Uh, yeah…" the blond jounin said uneasily. Maybe he had pushed the boy too far?

"But I mean, isn't it like really, really _great?"_

Naruto blinked and considered. Yeah. Yeah, ramen was really superbly excellent, wasn't it? The blond nodded decisively. Forget crazy, this kid _got it_. That's the kind of student he wouldn't mind having!

But wait a minute…. Naruto frowned. Kosada hadn't seemed too enthusiastic about ramen before his little idea. Was he trying to brownnose his way into passing? Naruto didn't really like the sound of that.

"Yep," the shortest member of the team continued with the same wild grin on his face, "Ramen is the food of champions! Wasting it would be a crime."

"I totally agree," Naruto said carefully, "But what are you—"

"Order up," Teuchi cut in as he placed the large, steaming bowl of miso-pork goodness in front of the boy.

If possible, the kid's grin stretched wider. He reached out and snagged the bowl in both hands. "It looks good, doesn't it?" The boy leaned in a sniffed loudly. "Smells great too."

Naruto stared at the bowl of ramen in Kosada's hands. It…did look really good. And, even though he was surrounded by ramen, he could swear the smell wafting from the bowl was extra strong.

Megumi, always quick on the uptake, held the subtle genjutsu as best she could. But what were they going to do now? The jutsu might hold while they were all perfectly still, but she was nowhere near good enough to keep the blond distracted if they moved and attracted attention to themselves.

As if to reinforce this point, the blond jounin took that moment to reach back and whack at Takeshi's reaching fingers. The boy yelped and retracted his hand from the bells.

Speaking with his eyes, Kosada looked at his teammates and then to the bells. When they stared blankly, he rolled his eyes and repeated the motion again.

"What?" Megumi demanded in a whisper. "Why exactly would that work now when it didn't this whole time?"

"Because this," Kosada said loudly before tossing the ramen, bowl and all, into the street.

Naruto, jounin that he was, realized what the boy was about to do a split second before he moved. Thankfully he was able to lunge after it and snag it out of the air without spilling even one precious drop.

Once assured the ramen was safe and sound in his arms, he turned with murder in his eyes to face the pre-genin. "What the hell was that about?" he asked angrily.

It was only then he noticed the kids each had a smirk on their face. "…What?"

As one, Megumi and Takeshi held up a bell.

He blinked. Oh. Right. He was supposed to be guarding the _bells_ not the ramen.

He frowned and propped the hand not cradling the bowl of ramen to his chest on his hip. "So Megumi and Takeshi pass then." He frowned, "Too bad Kosada, I'm sure we'll miss you."

The grins grew wider.

Naruto cocked his head to the side.

"Naruto-sensei," Kosada said, "You're not in your seat."

"Huh," the teacher said after a long moment of silence as he mentally reviewed the rules. "Would you look at that?"

The short boy flinched as the jounin disappeared from in front of him and reappeared an inch from his side a split second later, face set in a fierce scowl.

"S-sorry!" the boy squeaked. "I didn't really think about throwing it, I just meant to distract you! But then I thought it might work so I—"

Takeshi grabbed his shortest teammate by the shoulders and dragged him back towards his chest protectively.

"Hey, Naruto-sensei," Megumi said with forced cheer as she moved to put herself even with her teammates, "So w-we passed, right? So we can go home and we'll j-just see you tomorrow?"

Naruto stared the three preteens down until they were quivering. Then, the corner of his lip twitched. Then again. Then the smile broke over his face and he reached out with a laugh and mussed all of their hair in turn. "Yup! You pass with flying colors!"

"Really?" the kids all but squealed, eyes bright and eager.

"Yup," Naruto said with a closed eye grin before his frown slammed back into place and his eyes opened to reveal burning embers glaring out. "But we're going to have a little _talk_ about threatening ramen."

* * *

**~ End Flashback ~**

* * *

"Huh," Naruto said, blinking at his scoop full of noodles. "I wonder if they're still too traumatized to come back?"


	3. Incident 3

**A/N:** So...can I just start this by saying I love you guys? I love you guys. A _lot._ I'm both giddy at how big of a response this story has gotten, and kind of intimidated. I really don't want to let you guys down, so please tell me if you see something that I should fix!

There have also been some concerns that the chapters were disjointed. Well...they're going to be, at least a little. The way I set this story up the flashbacks are necessary, which I hope no on minds. There _will_ be an overarching storyline though.

I hope you enjoy the chapter!

* * *

Naruto had barely started on his fourth serving when Kurama's ears perked up. The fox blinked lazily and looked up from his bowl of extra-pork-goodness to peer in the direction his ears had turned—before darting away and down the street.

Naruto had just enough time to notice Kurama's absence and frown thoughtfully before disaster struck.

Or Sakura's fist did, rather.

Naruto noticed a blur of pink movement out of the corner of his eye at the last moment and threw himself to the side, but the girl's fist still clipped his shoulder. It was enough to send him flying across the street and through the old fence that had loyally stood there for years.

Had the gate been sentient, it would have told you that it had been erected before the first hokage had been elected, before Konoha was Konoha and was still just a loose conglomeration of ninja clans living in ramshackle tents with dreams of a village. It had survived war, invasion, and even Pein's nearly complete destruction of the village two years before. It was modest enough to admit that it had had poles replaced and hinges fixed, but in its' heart it was that same loyal fence from generations past.

Of course, it wasn't sentient so that was all moot. Besides, rubble was a good new look for it, really.

"Owwww," the blond (who was at least arguably sentient) moaned as he lay in the pile of wreckage.

"Hello, Naruto. I didn't expect to see you here," Sakura said with a sweet smile and murder in her eyes. Her red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes surrounded by disheveled pink hair. "After all, you didn't come tell me you were back."

"Uh…" Naruto laughed nervously, "about that…"

Sakura's smile turned just a touch sweeter.

"You're my favorite person!" Naruto squealed in a desperate attempt to save himself, scuttling backwards through the rubble of his landing.

The girl paused and then tossed her hair over her shoulder with a sigh. "Calm down, it's not like I'm going to hurt you."

"Yeah, cus you didn't do that already," the blond muttered.

The girl twitched. "What was that?"

"Nothing! I mean…"

"Ah, Sakura-san," Tuechi greeted warmly, completely dismissing the duo's antics. However long Naruto's absence, he was still used to team 7. "Your regular?"

"You're a life saver, Tuechi-san," the pink haired girl sighed, turning her back on her downed teammate to give the man a grateful smile.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto said with delight, jumping up from his pile of rubble without seeming to notice he should have at least three fractured ribs and a concussion. "You have a regular at Ichiraku's now?" That was just about the best news Naruto had ever heard. He had almost given up teaching Sakura the wonder that was ramen before he left.

"Hmm?" She turned back towards him before yawning. "Yeah, I kind of needed to. Between my duties as one of the head medics at the hospital, my missions as a jounin, and my genin team, I need all the energy I could get."

Naruto squinted his eyes in confusion for a second but then nodded along happily. After all, ramen was a wonderful source of energy! He ate at Ichiraku at least once a day when he was able to and he was known as the most hyperactive ninja alive. Where did people think he got all that energy?

"Here you go," Tuechi said as he placed a foam cup on the counter. Sakura smiled and exchanged her money for the beverage with evident relief. "Thanks!"

Naruto, meanwhile, was having something of an existential crisis. "Is…. is that _coffee,_ Sakura-chan?"

"What?" the medic asked after taking a long pull. She cocked her head to the side and then rolled her eyes. "Duh. I said I needed energy."

"But… where's your ramen?"

"I'm not getting any."

The expression on Naruto's face at that moment could only be described as disgusted horror. "I don't even know you anymore, Sakura-chan."

Sakura's face snapped into a scowl. "Don't make me punch you again."

"Sensei is so embarrassing when she's like this," a girl's voice complained weakly from behind them.

"Are you kidding?" Came the delighted response. "Sensei's awesome when she's kicking ass!"

The third teammate—a tall boy with a long, narrow face and distinctive eyes—only grunted. But his feelings were clear enough from the smirk on his face.

Naruto stopped cowering long enough to glance back and blink at the three genin (two Inuzuka and a Hyuga if the facial markings and eyes were anything to go by) who were lurking at the edge of the stand. The blond turned back to face his teammate and asked, "When did you get a genin team?"

"You didn't even listen when I told you I had them, did you?" Correctly interpreting Naruto's silence as a 'yes,' the medic propped her hand on her hip and rolled her eyes. "Six months after you did," she answered. "They're great kids, but truthfully I just don't have time to train them. Usually being a leading medic in the hospital is a full time job in and of itself, and I was already pulling jounin missions on top of that. I'm sure I'm sleep deprived, and I'm afraid I take it out on them sometimes."

Naruto turned to glance at the kids, who shrugged in response.

The girl, one of the two Inuzuka, answered, "It's not that bad. I mean, it was kind of scary at first when Sakura-sensei threw boulders at us, but at least it's a good work out. And avoiding sensei's punches adds a lot of motivation to agility training."

Naruto's jaw dropped in horror. _He_ was okay when Sakura decked him, but genin? Normal genin? How were they all still standing and seemingly un-maimed?

"Hey, I do the best I can," Sakura said defensively in response to his expression. "They're all improving well for the amount of time I can give them and they work hard on their own. Besides," she muttered, "I wasn't even supposed to have them in the first place."

"What?" Naruto blinked. "What does that mean?"

"Well…"

* * *

~FLASHBACK~

* * *

Team 7 had something of an odd relationship, most likely because of their exceedingly odd history. Not because of Sasuke's defection—sad as it was, it was all too common for a team member to defect and become an enemy. No, Team 7 was odd because Sasuke _came back_. Tranquilized like a prized, pet jungle cat, yes. But he still came back.

Not that he really had much of a choice. After the… injury, he couldn't live on his own at first, and his options had been limited. Juugo had died in battle, Suigetsu could barely care for himself let alone someone as high maintenance as Sasuke, and Karin…

Well, Naruto got to Karin. And then they found out she was—shudder—_related_ to the dobe and all hope for her was lost. The two had spent a week after the big reveal nearly attached at the hip and—the horror—_bonding._

And no, Sasuke wasn't jealous that Naruto had family after all. Or that Karin did. Okay, so maybe normally he would be, just a little. But in this case the people in question found out they were related to either _Naruto _or _Karin_. As far as Sasuke was concerned, that was dodging a kunai.

But what was Sasuke supposed to do? After he learned the truth—not what Konoha had done but that Tobi was the reason Itachi had been unable to refuse—Sasuke wasn't about to let the bastard win. And if he had to team up with Naruto again and see his ecstatic smile and hear him blather on about how they were a team again and he had never lost faith in Sasuke, well, so be it.

Then, of course, Tobi had ripped his eyes out of their sockets. That had kind of put a damper on things.

But in the great tradition of their team-line's history, the dobe donated an eye to the bastard genius with the konoichi medic-nin to assist. Naruto hadn't been dying and was a jinchuriki and an Uzumaki to boot so his eye had _grown back_ within two hours, but it totally still counted.

Yeah, sometimes Sasuke _worried_ about his team.

And sometimes, when Sasuke's newly feebled grasp of depth perception had lead him to walk into yet another wall, he was tempted to ask Naruto for _another_ eye. Seriously, Naruto was like a free organ factory when you thought about it.

But Sasuke knew that Naruto would agree without hesitation, which—against all logic—made him feel too guilty to ask. Plus, Sakura might have discreetly threatened to strangle him with his own entrails if he did. That _may_ have influenced his decision slightly. Hard to say.

Besides, being one eyed made Sasuke seem more like Kakashi than Orochimaru to the general population, which was decidedly in his favor if he planned to survive in Konoha.

And then there was the fact that, knowing the dobe, Naruto would insist on giving Sasuke his left eye. Again. And then Sasuke would be forced to spend the rest of his life with two _left_ eyes.

Sasuke was_ far_ too obsessive compulsive to handle that so he quietly let that dream die.

He had enough in his life to irate him; he didn't have to add to the problem. Like Tsunade. How he _hated _Tsunade and all of her kind.

Tsunade, for her part, was using much more effort than should have been necessary to keep from growling. Or lunging forward and biting the last Uchiha's head right off his scrawny neck. "What do you mean you failed the genin team you were assigned?"

Sasuke huffed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "That should be pretty obvious. It means I failed them. I sent them back to the academy. I'm not taking the little monsters."

It really wasn't worth the effort not to clobber him, the Godaime thought. It really wasn't. "I got that part. What I don't understand is how you can justify that when you just told me that they figured out the objective of the test and worked together."

The Uchiha shrugged.

Tsunade gritted her teeth and tried to refrain from strangling the brat—for Sakura and Naruto's sakes.

The dark haired nin gave a long suffering sigh. "We both know you only gave me that genin team so they could serve as spies and report my activities back to you. There's no way you'd actually trust me with a team."

"Stop being paranoid, Uchiha," Tsunade snorted aloud. Internally her thoughts were closer to, _Damn, he's onto us!_

"All the same, I won't be taking on your little brats. I might have given up burning this place to the ground but I'm not exactly thrilled to be giving you my techniques either." He didn't mention that without his sharingan he couldn't perform most of them anyway.

Tsunade gritted her teeth. She had been convinced that this plan would work out. If it didn't, it was one more thing she would have to deal with and she now had three clan children she would have to place suddenly on top of it.

Fed up, she shot a glower at the oblivious teen and shouted, "Sakura! Come here and clean up after your teammate!"

"What did Sai do now?" the pink haired medic called, voice exhausted, from the file room in the back of the office.

"Besides paint six foot tall, male genitalia on public monuments again, nothing."

"Then Kakashi?"

"He was three hours late to a meeting with the Daimyo and almost got Konoha's funding cut, but wrong one."

"Yamato?" Sakura sounded incredulous. "But he's normally so good!"

"He spent the last three days trying to teach the forest to waltz again and ended up in the hospital when he got trampled and made more work for me, but besides that he's good."

"…Oh come on! Naruto's not even in the country!"

"It was Sasuke, Sakura."

There was a long minute of silence. "…Isn't he still in prison?"

Tsunade paused as her and the last Uchiha's single eye met for a second. Sasuke had been out of confinement for almost three months.

"You had tea with him last week," The hokage reminded.

"…I've had tea?"

At that moment, eyes still locked in a standoff, Tsunade and Sasuke's thoughts might have been described as inverse reflections of each other.

Sasuke's thoughts were something like this: Everyone knew that the pink haired girl was working herself to the bone to hold the hospital together on top of taking missions. There was no way that Tsunade would actually give her any more work. Not only was it inefficient and cruel, this was _Sakura_ they were talking about. Tsunade's apprentice. That meant the woman knew her well enough to know that if the pressure kept up, Sakura would snap like a twig and make Itachi's slaughter of the Uchiha clan look like a faux pas on par with using the wrong silverware at a dinner party.

Tsunade, meanwhile, was thinking that maybe her apprentice really _was_ overworked, what with putting in up to fifteen hours a day at the hospital, maintaing her training, taking semi-regular missions, and acting as an aid for the hokage on top of all that. But on the other hand, if she didn't pass the buck on to Sakura, then _Tsunade_ would have to deal with it.

… Nah. Sakura could take it. "Get in here, Sakura!"

In front of her desk, Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest and refused to be moved. It was a bluff. It had to be.

"Guess what, Sakura?" The hokage said happily as the exhausted girl entered the main office, "You get to take this brat's genin team because he refuses to take the responsibility!"

Sasuke had a single instant to stare into Sakura's blazing green eyes before he realized he had always been right about Konoha.

This place really_ was_ made of pure evil.

* * *

~END FLASHBACK~

* * *

"So anyway, that's how I got my little band of gofers," Sakura finished explaining with a careless shrug.

"You call them gophers?" Naruto said, beaming, as he zeroed in on the most important part of the information he'd just been given. "That's so cool, just like I have my duckies!"

Sakura cocked her head in confusion and studied her teammate as though he may have acquired further brain damage while she wasn't looking.

Naruto blinked, smile dimming. "What?" He glanced back at the kids and repeated, "What?"

The Inuzuka boy explained, "It's not gophers, it's _gofers_."

Naruto eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"It's not so much a nickname as it is a description," the girl piped up helpfully.

Before Naruto could inquire any further, Sakura cut in. "Anyway, now that you're back I need a favor."

The blond perked back up. "Sure, Sakura-chan! What do you need?"

"Take my kids for a while."

Naruto blinked. "Am I even allowed to do that?" he asked, remembering Tsunade's odd disapproval of the way he treated his own team. He shook his head. "Besides, I don't think my duckies will like it very much—"

"_I don't care!" _ Sakura snarled, eyes wild, as her patience (read: sanity) gave way with a nearly audible snap. "I haven't slept in the past _four days!_ I'm surviving off coffee and vending machine donuts, and this is the first time my genin have seen the sun in the last week and a half! I love them, but I can't deal with their _incessant questions_ right now because it's only going to get _worse._ The annual jounin medical evaluations are coming, which normally creates enough extra work but this year I've been informed that I'll be held _personally responsible_ for getting Kakashi-sensei to his appointment _on time_, which means I'll have to chase him down and drag him in by the ear, the hospital has just started a mass transition of documentation going back _five years_ so I'll have to redo paperwork _for every patient I've ever had,_ I'm up for re-certification in a week and have to take _a written exam_, and on top of all that the Hokage_,_ _in all her wisdom_, has seen fit to leave me in charge of running _the chunin exams_, which are next month in case you didn't know!" By the time she was finished, Sakura was panting for breath, cheeks red and eyes wild.

"So…" Naruto hazarded through squinting eyes, "you've been kinda busy?"

Sakura's hand snaked out, grabbed the hapless blond by the throat, and pulled him in so that he dangled by his collar. And then she hissed at him.

And that was how Naruto found himself leading three new genin to his team's designated meeting point. He wasn't really sure how to go about teaching them, especially all together, but he figured he could work something out.

Probably.

…Or the gophers and his duckies would have lots of fun playing together, and he'd just have to worry about extinguishing the flaming corpses later. Whichever.

At least Kurama would have fun.


	4. Incident 4

**A/N:** This chapter is dedicated to my lovely and way-too-good-to-me beta (who's been trudging through this hodgepodge all along), Annakratos. She's the only reason this chapter got out this year. Seriously.

Thanks, hon!

* * *

Nothing was on fire yet, Naruto was proud to report. There _had_ been a few mid-sized explosions—but then, you had to expect that when a shinobi's routine was disturbed. And Kurama had apparently found the whole thing tedious enough to run off, so that was something. The bijuu tended to have a sixth sense for the really good mayhem and always made a point to stick around when it was nearing, so everything would probably be fine.

As long as_ Naruto_ didn't decide to kill something. Or someone.

"I want them to leave!" Naruto's cute, little, purple-haired student screeched, stomping one sandal-clad foot.

"Yeah, Naruto-sensei is ours!" Takeshi agreed, suspicious eyes trained on the newcomers.

Nearing five minutes into the same rant, Naruto closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and reminded himself—for the sixth time—that he deserved this for what he and his own genin team had put Kakashi-sensei through.

"I don't know you guys…" Kosada said, changing the course of the argument at last. Naruto's shortest student had kept quiet until now. When the blond jounin's head snapped up it was to find the boy shuffling his feet shyly. "I mean, Naruto-sensei just wants to help his friend by taking them for a while. It won't be so bad…"

Kosada's two teammates turned disbelieving stares on him.

But Kosada wasn't paying attention to them. Instead he was blushing and waving shyly at Kaoru, who was waving happily back with a wide grin.

Takeshi's eye twitched.

Megumi crossed her arms over her chest and huffed. "Traitor."

Naruto was barely able to stop himself from reaching out and squeezing the kid to within an inch of his life. A break in the madness! Finally, time to get this show on the road.

"Everybody sit your cute little butts down," Naruto said as he plopped to the ground, forcing himself back into a good mood through will and long practice alone.

"Why are you talking about my cute little butt?" Yahiko demanded, eyes laughing.

But Takeshi didn't appreciate the joke. "Shut it," he said as he reached out and smacked the back of the Inuzuka's head as he passed by to claim the free spot next to his sensei for himself.

"Hey!" Yahiko growled, his puppy—Tsubame—adding her own discontented barks at his ankles.

"Hey, none of that," Naruto waved his hands at the boys placatingly. "You'll get to beat each other bloody in a few minutes—this is group discussion time!"

Hajime crossed his arms over his chest and stared at the Duckies disapprovingly. "You have no discipline at all."

"Like you have any room to talk," Megumi sniped from where she had snuggled herself up to the jounin's side in a blatant show of ownership. "Back me up here, Kosada."

In an ironic show that neither team had room to talk, Kosada and Kaoru were sitting off by themselves, giggling. Kosajiro, Kaoru's black puppy, was laying tummy up on Kosada's lap and being lavished with attention.

"…Traitors."

Kosada, startled at his teammate's snarl, nearly threw the small dog from his lap as he turned to face the other genin. "Did you say something, Megumi-chan?"

"She said join the huddle, shortstuff," Naruto called with a grin. Kosada always was the friendliest of his Duckies. It was good to see at least _one _of his kids being nice. Naruto's face screwed up into a frown. It still didn't explain why Megumi and Takeshi were acting so aggressive. But then, Sakura's boys weren't making things easy either.

Once all the genin had made their way into the circle, Naruto put his hands on his knees and smiled at the group.

"I think we got off to a little bit of a shaky start, but that's okay! You guys weren't in the same class at the academy, right?" There were shaken heads all around. "That's what I thought."

"Yeah," Yahiko agreed before peering suspiciously at Kosada and his cousin—or, more to the point, the lack of space between them. "How do you two know each other again?"

"We met at the park a few years ago," Kosada explained with a grin.

Kaoru hit him in the arm. "Don't just put it like that!" She turned back to her cousin. "He saved Kosajiro when he got stuck up a tree."

There was a long silence around the circle.

Finally, Megumi asked the obvious question. "Why was your puppy up a tree?"

Kaoru's face took on a defensive cast as she drew her puppy to her chest. "Why wouldn't he be in a tree?"

The Duckies shared a look. "But… how does that…?"

Hijime sighed as Yahiko, voice exasperated, explained, "Kosajiro wants to be a cat."

"It's a perfectly valid life choice!" Kaoru snapped, glaring at her cousin.

Naruto, who had always appreciated the oddballs of the world, looked at the puppy with new respect. "Well, I've always been a cat person myself," the blond remarked in support.

This sparked a round of incredulous laughter from his team.

Naruto blinked. "What? What's funny?"

* * *

~Flashback~

* * *

It started one day when, disconcertingly enough, Kurama wondered up to Naruto, dropped a severed arm at his feet, and then stared up at him with his tails all a-wag.

This behavior would always be…a bit troubling, but at the moment it was especially problematic because Naruto was in the middle of a quaint little picnic with his Duckies, and he thought the ragged strips of bloody flesh clinging to the end of the ulna might upset their stomachs. Naruto yelped in surprise and disgust and took several big steps backwards. "W-what's that?"

The fox glanced down at the severed limb and then back up at his jinchuriki. "It is an arm," Kurama explained slowly.

"I know that!" Naruto snapped. "I mean, why is it—whose arm is it?"

"Ah," Kurama said with new understanding. It was a fair question. "It belongs to the missing-nin that attempted to assault your kits this morning."

"But," Naruto pointed out, "he ran as soon as he saw me. And he didn't actually hurt them at all."

"We could have taken him all by ourselves!" Takeshi said around a mouthful of onigiri.

"Be that as it may," the fox said primly, "he attacked."

There was a long silence as Naruto tried to understand how one thing related to another—and then he took a moment to feel bad for the poor sucker who had apparently upset Kurama.

"Well?" Kurama prompted after several long minutes.

Naruto's eyes shifted back and forth, before settling on the bijuu again. "Well what?"

"Aren't you going to take it?"

The blond jounin's mouth dropped open but he couldn't seem to think of anything to say in response. Giving it up for a bad job, he leapt to his feet, grabbed Kosada under one arm, Megumi under the other, and kicked at Takeshi to get him moving. "That's it, lunch is over, evacuation order beta!"

"But—"

Naruto shook his head and muttered out of the corner of his mouth, "Kurama is having one of _those_ days."

Left behind by the quickly retreating jounin and his team, Kurama narrowed his eyes in bemusement. That hadn't gone quite according to plan.

* * *

As was the case for most events that would be scaring to a normal team, the incident was all but forgotten until three days later. Which was when Kurama showed up to the field Team 7 had taken to using as a training area dragging a torso—sans limbs or head.

This time all four members of the team stopped what they were doing to gape at the spectacle. Well, three of them stopped and Megumi stopped after Kosada failed to move out of the way of the piledriver she had sent his way.

"I have brought you a better gift," Kurama announced proudly into the horrified silence.

"Uhhhh," Naruto answered. He looked to his genin for help but Takeshi just shrugged, Kosada looked nauseous, and Megumi... looked mildly fascinated.

Naruto turned his face away from _that_ disaster in the making and settled in to repress the memory. And repressing in three, two, one…

He turned back to the fox. "Uh…why?"

Kurama cocked his head to the side. "Why what?"

"Why the torso?!"

The fox's nose wrinkled at having to explain the obvious. "To eat, of course."

"Ah," Naruto said. Blinked.

Another thing to repress. Busy day today.

Kurama climbed to his feet unhappily as he realized something. "You refuse to feast upon the flesh of your enemies?" The fox asked with, he felt, understandable confusion.

"Yeah…" Naruto hedged awkwardly, "I don't really… do that."

Kurama looked from Naruto's face to the corpse he had dropped at his feet, to Naruto again. Finally, he nudged the body toward the teenager invitingly. "It is good for you. It will allow his strength to become your own."

"Yeah, I'm okay," the blond assured with a forced grin. Kurama continued to stare into Naruto's face, unblinking. The blond sighed and ran a hand through his hair. It was usually better to just give into Kurama's whims when he got like this, but… Yeah, not happening this time. "If you really want me to eat something you catch," he compromised, "you could get me a fish or something."

Kurama's eyes narrowed and he peered into Naruto's face for a long second before nodding to himself. "I will catch you a moose." And with that he left, a demon on a mission.

"A what?" Naruto yelped, hand outstretched after the bijuu's swiftly retreating back as the red streak disappeared into the surrounding grass. After a moment Naruto turned back to his students with a dejected sigh and informed them, "He's catching me a moose."

Takashi rolled his eyes. "You should have just accepted the arm, Naruto-sensei."

Naruto blinked big, confused eyes at his student. "What?"

The boy sighed. "You've never had a cat, huh?" When his teacher just stared at him blankly, he explained, "Cats bring the people they like presents."

"Presents?" Naruto asked, eyes screwing up in confusion. "Like poop?"

"No," Takeshi said, with more patience than his teacher really deserved. "That's rats. Cats give you things they killed so that you can eat them. Or possibly play with them, 'cus cats are weird."

"Little murderous psychopaths," Megumi said approvingly.

Naruto shook his head. "That still doesn't explain why I should've accepted an _arm_ instead of spritzing his face."

"Because if you don't take it, they figure it's because you don't like it."

"But I didn't like it!" Naruto yelped.

"So," the genin continued as though he hadn't been interrupted, "they get you something better. Like a torso. Or a moose, apparently. "

Naruto's mouth opened to respond, before slowly closing again. Then he shook his head and demanded, "But how does any of that even apply to Kurama? He's a_ fox_ not a cat."

Takeshi meet his teacher's eyes for a long second before turning to stare in the direction Kurama had run, then pointedly down to the cadaver at their feet.

Naruto looked down as well. The missing-nin didn't even look injured. No blood or wounds anywhere except at the stumps, almost as if he'd just been batted around until he dropped. Naruto thought about this for a minute, and then slumped unhappily. "Oh."

"So~," Megumi interrupted, "If you're not gonna eat that… can I have it?"

There was a long, uncomfortable silence as this statement sunk into her teammates' heads. Takeshi took a large, unsubtle step backwards.

Then Kosada broke the awkward moment by laughing in sudden relief. "Oh! You mean to use as an anatomically accurate target for your senbon."

Megumi blinked once, slowly. "Yeah. That's what I meant."

* * *

~End Flashback~

* * *

Naruto huffed indignantly. "Yeah, that's what I said. I'm a cat person."

"Naruto-sensei," Megumi said gently with a hand on his arm, "you have no idea how to deal with Kurama when he gets like that."

And all of a sudden, the Gophers weren't really sure they wanted to be in the same prefecture as the Duckies and their very worrisome Sensei. Except for Kaoru, who was willing to risk it for reasons that will go unremarked upon.

Naruto huffed before clapping decisively. "That's it everybody. Just break up into pairs and get ready to show each other what you've got."

* * *

Naruto blinked. Then he bit his lip, cocked his head to the side, got briefly distracted by a passing butterfly—then refocused and blinked again. "I don't really know what I'm seeing here," he admitted to himself.

"Stand still so I can murder you!"

"Okay," Yahiko chirped, his forward rush screeching to a stop. Then pivoted just enough to avoid Takeshi's fist as the other boy went sailing past, momentum unchecked. "Oh, maybe next time!"

"Arghhh!"

"I mean," Naruto muttered slowly, "It_ kinda_ looks like sparring, but I mean…" He stared helplessly at the three pairs of fighting genin.

It was—no, it was more like—ok. So it seemed like Sakura-chan had barely trained her team at _all_—

"Why won't you just die?!"

—In attacking. _Dodging _on the other hand, the gophers had down to an art form. His Duckies had yet to land a _single hit_, as far as he had seen. The gophers had landed plenty. Of course, that didn't really matter when—as far as he could tell—they also hadn't inflected any damage. At all.

Kaoru had hit Kosada straight in the face and the short boy hadn't so much as paused to rub it before trying—and failing—to land a roundhouse kick to the girl's ribs.

His team was made of powerhouses. If they could land just one hit, any one of them would crush their opponent like a fly. But they weren't hitting.

It was like trying to punch the wind.

Naruto considered this. "Maybe if they set their farts on fire?" he wondered to himself, tapping his chin.

Hijime pulled up short to stare at the jounin—and only just ducked out of the way of Megumi's incoming senbon.

"Switch partners!" He called out automatically as his pre-set timer sounded. He focused back on his thoughts as his kids grudgingly switched sparing partners.

Naruto was pretty sure his kids would win eventually—not only did they have more experience, but the gophers would have to slow down eventually while the Duckies—used to playing fetch with a _very_ demanding bijuu—could power on for days if they had to. But then, Sakura's team had only been genin for half as long as his own team had.

Naruto snapped to attention as an unearthly screech split the air, ready to protect his kids from whatever the threat was, but... Well, he thought with dull resignation, at least he knew what this was. Two of his genin were pulling each others' hair and clawing at each others' eyes.

Like rabid cats.

They weren't even taking advantage of the obvious openings in their opponents' guard. That shit could just not stand.

He marched over and grabbed the two by the backs of their necks and yanked them apart. He glared from one enraged face to the other, before huffing and demanding, "Kaoru-chan! What happened here?"

On the sidelines, Kaoru flinched and glanced guiltily between the two dangling boys. Hijime somehow managed to look as haughty and unruffled as ever, but while Kosada was trying he just looked like an enraged ball of hair and weaponry.

"Ummm…"

Naruto turned a surprisingly effective glare on the girl. She squeaked and hurried to explain, "W-well, Hijime and Kosada paired up and then…"

* * *

~Ten Minutes Previous~

* * *

"You have a sword?" Kosada asked, wonder and no small amount of envy in his voice as the other boy summoned the weapon from a scroll.

Hijime smirked. "Of course. Sakura-sensei gave it to me the second week of training after I made it clear I was ready for the responsibility." A condescending pause, "Hasn't your sensei let you try your hand at one?"

Kosada scowled. No. No, Naruto-sensei had not.

* * *

_~Flashback within a Flashback~_

* * *

It had been three months since his team had passed the genin test. Three _months!_ Kosada had been telling sensei since day one that he wanted to learn to use a sword, but every time he so much as hinted at getting one of his own something came up. It was always, "Not now, it's lunch time," or "Kurama really needs a bath," or "the bushes are suspiciously on fire and we should really check that out so maybe we can talk about this later, okay bye."

But this time, Naruto-sensei was going to listen to him! "Naruto-sensei, please! I really want a sword. My mother is known for using one, and all of my sisters, and just… I have to be able to use one." He cast about desperately for something to add to his cause. "It… It's my ninja way!" That's what Naruto-sensei was always going on about, right? So he _had _to listen.

Naruto frowned down at his shortest student in consternation. Kosada had invoked the power of The Ninja Way. Low blow, that.

Or, the blond considered as he stared down at the earnest little face, maybe he was just really serious about it. And if it was that important to him then… maybe he should let the kid try it. It was just... Sasuke had a sword.

_Sasuke_ had a sword, and did he really want any of his cute little Duckies (especially Kosada, the littlest of the bunch) to copy the bastard? Naruto's frown deepened. No he did not.

Besides, only snobs used swords, everybody knew that. Well, snobs and ANBU. But ANBU taught their recruits how to use them in basic training, and you didn't want to be the loser who went in already knowing how to use one. Or the suck up. Or something.

And Kosada didn't want to be ANBU anyway so it didn't matter. What _mattered_ was that Naruto refused to turn Kosada into a mini-Sasuke. He should totally be a mini-Naruto instead.

If Sasuke wanted mini'es he'd just have to get a team himself!

But then, Naruto thought as a proud grin stole over his face, his Duckies were the most awesome genin around. Naruto paused as this thought bumped around his head. His Duckies… were the most awesome genin. Sasuke always tried to be the best, and know the best moves, and have the best, most legendary weapons, and—now that Naruto thought about it—he'd probably want the best students too.

Naruto's eyes widened as it all finally clicked into place in his head. Kosada didn't want a sword; that was stupid. Kosada was way too cool to want a puny sword as his primary weapon. No, _Sasuke_ wanted Kosada to want a sword. Damn genjutsu driven conspiracies!

Yeah, no. No way. The Duckies were property of Uzumaki Naruto. Sasuke—wherever he was obviously hiding out lurking like a_ pervert_—was just going to have to step off.

But how to go about simultaneously telling Sasuke that he was on to him and that Naruto wasn't going to take this laying down?

A feral grin stole over the blond jounin's face. He was just gonna have to show the teme that these kids were already taken.

…He would just tell them it was for stealth training or something.

Still standing in front of his teacher, his anger long since replaced with apprehension, Kosada shifted uneasily. "Uh, N-Naruto-sensei? I'm sorry that I—eep!"

* * *

_~End Flashback within a Flashback~_

* * *

Kosada blinked out of the memory with a shudder. _Orange._ Megumi still hadn't forgiven him for that one (He suspected Takeshi hadn't either). And that was the last time he had had the courage to ask Naruto-sensei about a sword. If that was the kind of cruel and unusual punishment it would bring down on him and his teammates… Yeah, Sensei might have said it was for stealth training, but they all knew that was a dirty lie.

So the only way Kosada was ever getting a sword was if he got one on his own. Unfortunately, Konoha tradition dictated that a genin's first sword had to be a gift from a mentor or claimed in battle. Even more unfortunately, tradition _also _dictated that the highest ranked shinobi involved in the fight got first dibs on loot. And three guesses as to what Naruto-sensei always snapped up first? So no swords that way.

Unless… Kosada blinked and focused on the weapon in his opponent's hands. If Kosada wasn't wrong—and he wasn't—that was a dōtanuki blade. Good steal, nice heft. A "sword that cuts through torsos." Basically, it was a really _nice_ sword.

Huh.

Kosada considered that for a long moment, then screeched and lunged for his sparring partner's jugular.

* * *

~Present~

* * *

Kaoru shrugged. "And… that's it." She was actually a little worried about Kosada. That kind of behavior was kinda like Sakura-sensei right before she started throwing the_ big_ boulders.

Naruto let out a world-weary sigh. Now even Kosada, the _good _one, was acting up. Fed up with the genin bickering and their absolute refusal to work as a team, he dropped the two—still glaring—boys and resorted to his old stand by—his favorite instrument of threat and terror. Mr. Squirts.

As one, the Duckies scrambled into a defensive huddle, trying to ready themselves for the inevitable when—

"I'm not a bad dog!" Yahiko howled desperately as he cowered against his cousin. Kaoru clapped her arms over her head and whimpered. Meanwhile, the pair's puppies had done the smart thing and hightailed it up a nearby tree. No one questioned how Tsubame got up there.

There was a long silence as the Duckies froze, staring at the other genin in shock. These intruders… understood the horror that was Mr. Squirts? In their long, tortured experience_, no one_ understood the horror that was Mr. Squirts!

Swallowing his fear in a truly heroic display of bravery, Takeshi snuck past his bemused sensei to approach the Inuzuka pair and stick out a hand. He glanced at Naruto with a gulp and then bulldozed on, "We were wrong about you. Welcome to the team."

"You have got to be kidding me," Hijime muttered to himself, face disgusted.

Takeshi turned to appraise the other genin, unimpressed. "_You_ I don't like."

Naruto watched the genin before nodding in satisfaction. This he could work with.

* * *

Several hours later found Naruto stretched out languidly on a tree branch and basking in the sweet sounds of his kids setting things on fire down below. As a _team._

Yeah, he was an _awesome _sensei.

"They have not yet killed and eaten any of the newcomers," Kurama remarked with interest.

Naruto didn't even flinch, used to the fox's tendency to appear out of nowhere. He did frown in the bijuu's direction though. "Kurama, we've been over this. Humans don't—"

"Believe whatever you wish," the fox said magnanimously, "but as they are still breathing, I assume they have been allowed to join the skulk?"

"Uhhhh…"

Kurama rolled his eyes. "The family."

"Oh! Yep, I guess you could say that," Naruto said happily. Then he blinked as he noticed the body that the fox had dragged up the tree. "And that is…?"

Kurama glanced down. "Lunch."

The blond shrugged. The dead bird was scrawnier than Kurama tended to drag back, but what the heck. He was getting hungry anyway. "Cool. Thanks, buddy." He reached out and scratched the fox behind the ears. "Takeshi was saying he was in the mood for chicken."

"No! That's for you," Kurama snapped before relaxing back into his comfortable sprawl. "I'll catch the kits something nutritious later."

Naruto shrugged and accepted that easily enough. There wasn't exactly much meat on the thing. So the blond picked up the bird, threw it over his shoulder, and wandered off to find a fire pit.

Though if he knew _why_ Kurama thought the scrawny, singed, bald, carcass was an appropriate gift for his very favorite human, Naruto would have dropped it and fled the country—and he might have even remembered to grab the Duckies on his way out if they were very, very lucky.

One hopes. Unfortunately, knowing Naruto, he might have just shrugged and decided he was too hungry to let good meat go to waste.

Either way, that was the beginning of the end. And of lunch.

* * *

**Notes: **

Dōtanuki = An actual brand of katana made today. I don't know too much about them, but the name does mean "sword that cuts through torsos" (At least according to the website).

Skulk= A group of foxes.


End file.
